Interdependence for Independence

The title of this might seem confusing, almost oxy-moronic, but taken deeper, to me,....makes perfect sense

    My entire life, much as many others has always been a journey of one event to another.  There are many ways to approach these journeys, I have chosen to take these journeys independently.  Dont get me wrong, I have some absolutely amazing friends, but for some reason, taking these major journeys alone has always made me feel so good.  Like I could do it all alone and I didn't need to rely on anyone.  Thats a great feeling to have.  But for 31 years anytime I have been faced with a serious adversity I hid myself in a shell far away from anyone that could and would be willing to help me.  In the meantime pushing away people that really mean well and would probably be amazing for me, and protecting myself from people that would hurt me, no matter what the cost.  Im a huge believer that everything happens for a reason and that your life will fall into place, pretty much just about the time its suppose too.  So the fact that im having these feelings now, lets me know its right.  

 What good is riding a roller coaster if you have no one to hysterically giggle with the whole time?

  

    Over the last several months I entered a journey that changed the way I will travel this life forever.  Tomorrow will be the last journey I take "Independently" as I will have conquered enough adversities to set my mind at ease in this world and am ready to move forward, interdependently with someone I can share everything with, Ive had so many amazing journeys over the last several years with some amazing friends, but the most amazing journeys I see are the ones being taken by the people that love each other.   Keeping things to yourself and living independently from another is a struggle day to day as we all yearn to share our experiences with others.  I dont know who this person will be, but for the first time in my life Im open to the idea.  

   I was recently watching the movie "What dreams may come" it has always been one of my favorite movies.  Its the ultimate love/family/adventure movie of all time, if you haven't seen it, its artistic genius and I highly recommend it.  Point being, the lengths that Robin Williams goes for love in this movie really got me thinking. Coupled with some very life changing events that have transpired in my own life over the last 2 months, I decided mid movie...I want that.  I want to find someone that I would travel to the depths of hell and beyond to rescue, no questions, no doubts, no fears, just pure passion and raw feeling so strong that no adversity would keep me away.  See, I crave love like every other person in this world.  Too assume that someone would never want anything deeper would seem the perfect make up for a miserable existence.   Im not saying that certain people aren't better off alone, but I can tell you one thing, I'm not one of them.   Im not a man of resolutions because I believe they enable you to procrastinate, so Im not making it a resolution , im just gonna let the walls down and see where it goes.  After so many years of wondering what we are here for, it seems to make so much sense now.  I truly believe that the ultimate freedom in this life is not to live free alone, but free of worry interdependently with another.  

  
   When I walk into a room the first people I see are the happy ones, not the ones alone, but the ones staring into the eyes of their lover.  Single is great at times, but I dont wanna be single at 67 years old.  This life is meant to be shared with someone, someone that matters and accepts you for who you are and what you are, at all times.   I think the hardest thing is actually letting someone in that door and expecting them not to rip your heart out.  It took me years to recover from my first heartbreak and I broke lots of hearts in the process, I guess thats just life.  You search and you search and one day it hits you, this is the one, or this is the time to let someone in.  Life is all about tests so what makes love any different?  1-5-11  I wrote my first blog on this subject ( http://bignatx-notgivingup.blogspot.com/ and scroll down ) I told myself Id never give up. Now more than ever I feel it raging inside. Im ready to reach for the same brush, with the same lover, and in 30 years be able to stand back and look at the wonders we have created together, interdependently as one.

Not giving up

*Ill tell ya what.  This started as an "I hate relationships blog", but as I was writing my fingers took me another direction.  This is super uncharacteristic of me to write about.  I'm sure most of you that have ready my previous writings are gonna be flabbergasted, but I'm just feelin this today, so bare with me. *


  

"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.  That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand."                                                            ~Emily Kimbrough

 
    When you get involved with someone your entire life revolves around that person.  Your journey together,  like lovers hands inter-twine in every fashion.  Your every emotions tied in with how they feel, how they act, there needs, there moods.  Everything affects you, as a couple.  Your friends expect you to be together, people see you out and always ask where your "other" is.  Before you know it, your sharing every aspect of each others lives whether you want it or not.  One thing about being in love....you want all of that.  You wanna be involved with this person that moves you so dearly, in every way.  You want people to see you as a team.  You end up best friends... Its impossible to revolve your life around someone for such an amount of time without knowing everything about each other.  Every "spot", every tone, every thought as it happens.  You know, the type of relationship that when you see her/his name come up on a text, you cant wait to look at it, read it over and over, save it for later, you may wanna check back at that "I love you baby!" to get you through a couple hard spots in your day. ( Dont lie, Ive done it and I know if Ive done it you softies have ;)) All the adversity you go through together creates such an "unbreakable" bond, so many promises, so many guarantees...
  
    At the start of this journey, both involved get a paintbrush and a canvas.  Together you begin creating what you both hope is the perfect picture of a relationship.  Every day you pick up the paintbrush and add a little to your picture.  This can go many ways during your time.  Some people will look over at their lovers painting and take notice that they have very similar pictures.  These people have the same ideals and expectancy's out of their relationships, chances are they will continue down the path they have laid out together.  They have chosen similar paths and these paths lead them down similar roads.  Eventually these people get married, and start a fresh new painting, on a new canvas.
   
    However there is another way down this road.  One day you look at your lovers painting and notice they have a completely different painting.  You didn't notice at first because the differences are subtle.  Just as a real painting takes time to create, it takes time to realize your partner is on a different page then you. You still love this person.  What can you do?  All this time together to come to the conclusion your just not right for each other?  Love is a blinding emotion.  They always say its easier to see the storm if your on the outside.  And a storm it is.  People that have drawn a different painting will often torture each other because they are to afraid to be alone. People start to mistake the pain for love because its an equally strong emotion, and so a downward spiral begins that I can assure you, there is no way out of. But Hey, I love this person ....right?  The answer your looking for is no....

Sticks and stones are hard on bones
Aimed with angry art,
Words can sting like anything
But silence breaks the heart.
~Phyllis McGinley, "Ballade of Lost Objects," 1954

     I love this quote so much... to me it portrays this exact example of relationships.  The people that have there emotions confused.  The words are hurtful and sting like anything.  However its the "silence" that breaks the heart.  Your emotions become so misconstrued that you find yourself content with being miserable as long as your with that person.  Alone is unbearable because your so used to this person in your life no matter what role they play.  Positive or Negative, it doesn't matter as long as they are with you.  These patterns are so hard to break, but it is so necessary.  Of all the things I have learned and seen in my life.  I know for a fact that  you don't hurt the ones you love,  you don't speak down to the ones you love, you don't hit the ones you love.  You never feel like your "settling" and you can look at that person across any table in any situation and know that they are right there with you.  No matter what.  Its easy to be around this person, things just flow, and while there is trouble in every relationship, a relationship based on love will ALWAYS find compromise. 

   
    So where do you start?  How do you pick yourself up off the floor?  Getting to know people all over again is a rough ride.  Just seems like a string of superficial questions that never ends, all of your conversations for years have had meaning, substance, and were with someone you were so comfortable with.  Who knows where this path will lead, but I do know one thing.  A life held without having found love is going to be a way rougher ride alone.  I imagine when the day comes it will be well worth it and I'm not willing to give up on finding that person, Ive never quit anything in my life, I'm not about to give up on finding love.

                                                                                               Brian Jimerson
"I was lost
and im still lost.
But I feel so much better"

~Tiesto